That's Not Fair That Is Not Fair

“That’s not fair!” – a phrase that slips out so easily, doesn’t it? Whether you're a parent, teacher, or just someone who remembers being a kid, you've probably heard it more times than you can count. It's a cry of frustration, a protest against imbalance, and sometimes, a genuine call for justice. But here’s the thing: fairness isn’t always about equal treatment. It’s about what’s right, what’s just, and what makes sense in context. So what happens when kids say “that’s not fair!”? Do we dismiss it? Do we explain it? Or do we use it as a moment to teach something bigger than just rules and rewards? In many ways, this simple phrase opens the door to deeper conversations about empathy, equity, and the real meaning of justice. And believe it or not, these lessons don’t just stop at childhood – they follow us into adulthood. The truth is, life throws plenty of situations where things don’t feel fair. But how we respond – as parents, as role models, as people – makes all the difference. This article explores how we can shift from hearing “that’s not fair!” to turning it into a learning opportunity. Let’s take a closer look at why fairness matters, how it differs from equality, and what we can do when the world doesn’t line up the way we expect it to.

Table of Contents

What’s the Difference Between Fair and Equal?

So, what’s the big difference between fair and equal anyway? Well, here’s a way to think about it: equal means everyone gets the same thing, while fair means everyone gets what they need. It’s a subtle but massive distinction. For example, imagine three kids trying to see over a fence. If they all get the same size box, the tallest kid might not need it, and the shortest kid still can’t see. But if each gets a box based on their height, everyone gets a fair chance. That’s equity in action. So when a child says “that’s not fair!”, they’re probably not thinking about boxes and fences – they’re feeling something isn’t right, even if it’s equal.

Why Is It So Easy to Confuse Fairness With Equality?

Because we often hear the word “fair” used in situations where things are exactly the same. In school, in sports, even at home – sometimes fairness feels like splitting things evenly. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes, being fair means treating people differently, based on what they need. And that’s a hard idea to wrap your head around, especially if you’re five.

How Do Kids Learn the Concept of Fairness?

Through experience, mostly. They see things happen, they feel left out or shortchanged, and they react. It’s how they start to understand fairness. But it’s up to us to help them connect the dots between what feels fair and what actually is fair.

Why Do Kids Say “That’s Not Fair!” So Much?

Because it’s how they express frustration when things don’t go their way. It’s not always about justice – sometimes it’s just about not getting what they want. And let’s be honest, kids aren’t the only ones who feel like that. We all have moments when life feels unfair. But for kids, it’s one of the few ways they know how to say, “This doesn’t feel right to me.” So they shout it out, loud and clear.

Is It Just a Cry for Attention or a Real Concern?

It can be both. Sometimes it’s just a way to get noticed, but other times, it’s a genuine expression of feeling wronged. That’s why it’s important to listen, not just react. When a child says “that’s not fair!”, it’s worth asking, “What do you feel isn’t fair?” It gives them space to explain, and gives us a chance to understand.

How Can We Help Kids Understand the Bigger Picture?

By asking questions, guiding conversations, and not jumping to fix things right away. Let them sit in that feeling for a bit, then talk through it together. It builds emotional resilience and critical thinking – two superpowers they’ll need as they grow up.

How Can Parents Respond When Kids Complain “That’s Not Fair!”

First off, don’t panic. It’s normal. Kids are trying to make sense of the world, and fairness is a big part of that. So instead of shutting them down, try to dig a little deeper. Ask them what part feels unfair. Then explain why things might not be equal – and that’s okay. You could say something like, “I hear that you feel like it’s not fair. Can you tell me why?” That opens the door for a real conversation, instead of just a complaint.

What Should Parents Avoid Saying?

Try not to say things like “That’s just how it is” or “Life isn’t fair.” Those phrases shut the door on discussion and leave kids feeling unheard. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and guide them toward understanding the bigger picture.

How Can We Turn “That’s Not Fair!” Into a Teaching Moment?

By helping kids explore the reasons behind the situation. Maybe someone got more help because they needed it. Or maybe the rules changed. Either way, it’s a chance to talk about fairness, empathy, and how we treat others. And that’s way more valuable than just enforcing a rule.

What Are Some Examples of Real-Life Situations Where Things Aren’t Fair?

Let’s keep it real. Life isn’t always fair. For example, one kid might have to go to bed earlier than another because they’re younger. That might not feel fair, but it makes sense. Or maybe one student gets extra time on a test because they need accommodations. It’s not equal, but it’s fair. And those are the moments when we can help kids see that fairness isn’t about everyone getting the same thing – it’s about everyone getting what they need.

Can You Give Me a Situation Where “That’s Not Fair” Actually Makes Sense?

Absolutely. Imagine two kids doing chores, but only one gets paid. That’s a real example of unfairness. Or maybe a teacher gives a pop quiz without warning, and only some students pass. That’s not fair either. So the key is to help kids learn to recognize when something truly is unfair, and when it’s just different.

Why Is It Important to Teach Kids the Difference?

Because it helps them grow into thoughtful, empathetic adults. It gives them the tools to think critically and act justly. It also helps them deal with disappointment and injustice in a healthy way, instead of just reacting out of frustration.

Is Life Really Fair or Just an Illusion?

That’s a heavy question, but it’s one we all face. The truth is, life tends to be a mix of both. Sometimes things line up perfectly, and sometimes they don’t. That’s just how it goes. But here’s the thing – we can’t control everything, but we can control how we respond. And that’s where fairness becomes a mindset, not just a situation.

Why Do We Crave Fairness So Much?

Because we’re wired for it. From an early age, we start to understand what feels right and what doesn’t. It’s part of being human. When we sense unfairness, our brain kicks into gear – we feel anger, sadness, maybe even betrayal. But that sensitivity to injustice is also what helps us build better relationships and communities.

How Do We Cope When Life Feels Unfair?

By talking about it, reflecting on it, and finding ways to grow from it. We can’t change the past, but we can shape the future. And sometimes, accepting that things aren’t always fair is part of that process.

How Do We Teach Empathy Through Fairness?

By showing kids that fairness isn’t just about what they get – it’s about how they treat others. If a child sees someone being left out, they can learn to step in and help. If they realize someone else got more attention, they can learn why. That’s how empathy grows – not from being told what to feel, but from experiencing and understanding what others go through.

What Role Does Perspective-Taking Play in This?

It’s huge. When kids learn to see things from another person’s point of view, they start to understand that fairness isn’t always about them. It’s about the whole picture. So instead of just focusing on what they didn’t get, they start to think about why someone else might have gotten more – and whether that makes sense.

Can Kids Learn Empathy Just by Talking About It?

Not exactly. They learn it through real-life situations. That’s why it’s so important to guide them when they say “that’s not fair!” and help them explore what’s really going on. It’s not just about correcting their words – it’s about shaping their understanding.

What Happens When We Keep Saying “That’s Not Fair!”

Well, for starters, it becomes a habit. And like most habits, it can either help or hurt. If we say “that’s not fair!” every time something doesn’t go our way, we risk turning it into a default reaction instead of a thoughtful response. That can make us less resilient, more entitled, and less able to handle disappointment. But if we learn to use it as a question instead of a statement – like “Why does that feel unfair?” – it becomes a tool for growth.

Does Constantly Saying “That’s Not Fair!” Affect Our Mindset?

It can. If we believe the world should always be fair, we’re setting ourselves up for constant disappointment. But if we learn that fairness is a process, not a guarantee, we become more adaptable and more compassionate. That’s the real shift we want to make – from frustration to understanding.

How Can We Break the Cycle of Constant Complaints About Fairness?

By encouraging kids (and ourselves) to ask questions instead of just stating opinions. Instead of “That’s not fair!” ask “Can you help me understand why this is happening?” It shifts the focus from complaint to curiosity – and that’s where real learning happens.

Can We Change How We View Fairness as We Grow Up?

Yes, absolutely. In fact, we do it all the time. As we grow older, we gain more life experience, see more perspectives, and start to understand that fairness isn’t black and white. It’s full of gray areas. And that’s okay. What matters is that we keep learning, keep questioning, and keep trying to do what’s right – even when things don’t go our way.

What Helps Us Shift From a Fixed to a Growth Mindset Around Fairness?

Open conversations, reflection, and a willingness to listen. When we allow ourselves to be challenged and to challenge others, we start to see fairness not as a fixed idea, but as something we can shape and grow together.

Is It Ever Too Late to Change How We Think About Fairness?

Never. Whether you’re five or fifty, there’s always room to grow. The key is to stay open, stay curious, and keep asking questions like “What does fair really mean here?” It’s those questions that lead to real change – not just in how we see fairness, but in how we live it every day.

This, that, these e those: quando usar? - Brasil Escola
This, that, these e those: quando usar? - Brasil Escola

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